Starting something new

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I’m stuck. I can’t decide. Apparently, the best time to start something is now. That is at least, how the saying goes. The one about planting trees. The best time to plant a tree was ten years ago, and the second best time is now. On the other hand, this is probably the worst time for me personally to be starting something new. I have a couple of things on my plate right now. I also know that the excitement of starting something new will make me forget about all the things I already have lined up. My biggest fear is that I will keep starting new projects without finishing the earlier ones. Apparently, this is a thing in psychology too. Where you are likely to give up on something as soon as you think you have attained some level of mastery over it, or at the very least, understood the basics. On the other hand though, I don’t want to use the things I am already working on as an excuse to not start because I am too scared to do it.

Like with this blog. My biggest fear when starting this blog was that I would sound stupid. Talking about all these things that must be happening to other people, who are probably smarter and better equipped to talk about them. I was nervous beyond measure before I started publishing. I had to push myself to make this website. One of the things that helped me was paying for the domain name for an entire year upfront. I figured, I’m not going to do anything with my time till I bully myself into it. I can either get on with it, or sit on it. I decided on the former. Then there was the whole thing of learning how to navigate this site. The site is still pretty basic, but even to get to this point was a struggle. I debated paying someone to do it for a long time. I see a lot of blog pages that look so polished. I wanted one of those. But I had to stop myself. The purpose (as I often need to remind myself) is to get out of my comfort zone and learn something new. So, I did. But again, I did have to bully myself to learn this. Every time I set out to learn something new, I get frustrated when I can’t master it in the first try. Illogical as that may sound, it is the truth. Pushing past all that, I landed on a bare bones (but I hope decent) site for myself. Now, what to write? Do I have anything to contribute? Am I an expert in anything? Do I even write well? No, no and no. Agonising over my first post was probably the most uncomfortable part of my blogging experience.

In the end, I realised two things. It is no use pretending. Since I’m not an expert at anything, I decided to just write about whatever I want, however I want, without worrying about how other people might receive it. I hope everyone who reads my blog resonates with some of the things I have to say, but if not, then I am going to keep writing for myself. The only thing that matters, to my mind, is that I write with discipline and consistency. I am determined to earn the privilege of having people listen to what I say, but more than that, I am determined to read more, be better informed, become a better writer, and to write everyday.

The second thing I realised was that once you get over the fear of publishing your first post, you realise, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. No one waits around with bated breath to see every thing you do and to laugh at all your mistakes. Honestly, no one is bothered. The only person who spends all their time thinking about you is you. Everyone else is just trying to get on with their lives. So, instead of living a half life for the imaginary audience in your head, go ahead and do whatever you want to do.

This brings me to the thing I want to start next. YouTube. I’ve wanted to do this for a while now. I don’t really want to do it for any reason other than because I love making videos. But again, every single insecurity and discomfort I had when starting a blog is coming back to me magnified. I just need to remember that no one cares, so I might as well live a full and enjoyable life. Untalented as I may be, I remain entirely determined to go after what I want.

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